Tomorrow is the day!

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Tomorrow is the day!

Written August 5, 2013 9:35pm

I don't care how old I get, having my mom around always makes me feel better. I know my mom would be here in a heart beat if she could, but she'll be with me tomorrow for my PET scan.

Not wanting to know is what got me here in the first place. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I believe it's a good sign that she wanted to do the scan earlier than planned to see where things are at. Plus, I am 100% certain that my boob is pulling its weight and taking care of business. It's those things I can't see that worry me. Those pesky lymph nodes and bone cavity creeps that have me on edge.

Please don't take this as me succumbing to negativity or anything along those lines. That is definitely not the case. I guess I don't want to be floating around in a non-realistic haze that all is well and I don't need to worry. For me that mind set is just as dangerous as the negativity. I like to know the facts so I can process and act accordingly. I HATE not knowing. I am not going to lie, the three year old part of me wants to run far, far away so I don't have to do this scan and find out the results. I just know that can't.

OK, I am going to contradict what I just said a few moments ago and admit there is one thing that I really, really don't want to know:. How many years, months, days, etc I've got left. The day I went in for my biopsy and heard the words "inflammatory breast cancer" I immediately Google'd that three word semi-diagnosis. Three to five year life expectancy. Thank God my breast cancer didn't turn out to be inflammatory, but we spent an entire weekend thinking was the case. I can honestly tell you that I do not know the average life expectancy of someone in my particular situation. In that respect, I would like to continue to stumble along in my ignorant bliss.

The bottom line is that I really don't know how I would handle hearing that although the tumor in my boob has shrunk, the bone and lymph nodes went all crazy on "Cancers Gone Wild" and I have to pay the bar tab.

Now I know many of you already have the words forming on your lips "You don't need to worry about that. That's not the case". Maybe so, but it could be and I need to allow my brain to process that so that I feel like I am battling this crap realistically. Just because I don't want it to be the case, doesn't mean it can't happen. II wish it was that easy.

I am strong enough to handle whatever the end result is. I don't want to have to handle bad news (obviously), but it is what it is. Warning to my coworkers: my appointment isn't until 2:45 and I am not allowed to eat beforehand. If you hear a rumbling in the distance coming from the direction of the mail room it's just my stomach bitching out loud. I will be walking into the scan tomorrow with nothing but a positive attitude. I know I won't hear the results tomorrow but you can bet your ass that I am going to use every persuasive cell in my body to try to get some information out of the poor sucker running that machine.

Please beam all your positive vibes my direction tomorrow. I would most certainly appreciate it. As soon as I know the results you guys will be the next to know. :)

I love you all. Thanks for listening.


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