Toddlers & Tiaras- My Mackenzie moment

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Toddlers & Tiaras- My Mackenzie moment

ritten July 30, 2013 1:33am

Note- if you haven't ever seen "Toddlers & Tiaras" I highly recommend checking out an episode or two. The initial part of the story won't be as funny to you but you will still get a kick out of how lame I am.

I made the mistake of telling Dennis I was going to post this story and now there's no turning back.

Wednesday 7/24- 4:00 PM to Friday 7/26- 9 PM. I do not recall EVER feeling sicker in my life (including having children and hangovers). I'm sure that's probably not the case but at the time you could not convince me that I had ever felt worse. On top of the nausea, wonky legs, fatigue and usual suspects...I felt spacy and like I was going to pass out.

Dennis had to take a last minute trip to Raleigh and I was on my own. I started texting my favorite nurse: "Missy- I feel weird". Then Missy and I embarked on series of texts where she was trying to pull more information out of me and I didn't want to admit I hadn't been eating and drinking normal amounts of food and water like I was supposed to. I began to rationalize: "Well my fever is under 100 so I don't need to go in." Crap, now it's 100.3. "Well that's because the cat is curled up next to me and I have socks on. I am sure it's really more like 99."

I don't consider myself a big baby when it comes to being sick or in pain, but this was horrendous. It must have been bad because my cat Jeeves wouldn't leave my side. He would even follow me to the bathroom and try to chat with me along the way.

Friday rolls around and I know I need to go get Dennis from the airport. I was sure I would feel fine but I was definitely wrong. Long story short: I am feeling worse, Dennis' plane is running late and I just wanted to be in bed. I don't even want to open my mouth to talk and Dennis is asking me what is wrong and trying to figure out how to help me. All I manage is some sort of noise which I expect him to interpret as my indication that I do not wish to speak. He gets frustrated and starts his voice is getting louder. As I am simultaneously trying to tell Dennis to f' off, not puke and get out of the car, I somehow channel "Toddlers and Tiaras" star Mackenzie in her "I want my Ni-Ni" moment. I am not going to lie, it was honestly like an out of body experience as this nonsense unfolded.

I hear a childish cry (overly dramatic temper tantrum style) escape from my mouth while I yell: "YOU"RE NOT HELPING ME!!!". I'm not sure if I kicked my feet as well, but I am really hoping that I didn't. Almost immediately the universe realized how ridiculous I was acting and tried to launch corrective measures. I heard the rational part of my brain yell out in my Mom's voice: "LORI MARIE!". I stopped and sat there. If I hadn't of been feeling so damn sick I would have slapped myself across the face. Good lord I hope there wasn't anyone in the immediate vicinity to witness that mess. I am still not entirely sure what happened after that but nothing else was said. We got out of the car, and I went to bed. At 9 pm it was like the demon had left me and I felt like a totally new person.

I am still convinced there was some sort of brief shift in time and some other horrible version of me from a parallel universe popped in briefly. Ok, so there it is. Let us never speak of this again.

It was just such a drama queen/made for T.V. moment, which is so NOT me. I hate drama. I know there are many who feed off it, enjoy it, and are able to process it as part of their daily lives. I cannot. Oh don't get me wrong, I love to laugh at it when it' not mine or anyone else that I know but I flee from any sort of drama in Japanese Godzilla movie type fashion.

**Please stay tuned for part 2 of this story. After actually seeing my meltdown in actual text...I feel as if I need to go get a spray tan and try on my full glitz dress for my upcoming Little Miss Meltdown pageant.**


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