Living with Depression

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Living with Depression

I have been suffering with depression for about 10 years now. Most of this time has been spent in silence. Initially, my depression began when I was 13. My father had suffered from severe seizures which caused him to be emotionally unstable. A man who I once idolized began to verbally abuse me so viciously I had to leave my house and move into a friend's basement at the age of 16. In prior years, I lived my life in fear. I would return home from school immediately locking myself in my room, sleeping, until 9 when my father would go to bed. I then would eat dinner and do homework until 3am. I was unable to live a normal life.. I felt very alone.

This was about the time I started cutting. Not on my wrists or in any location that could kill me... Just enough to release the pain. Most people don't have an understanding around this. In severe depression sometimes you feel so much pain inside that you're desperate to release... Causing yourself pain physically, as I would, caused me to momentarily feel relief inside as I had an external focus. Wiser now I know it is not the answer, just a desperate attempt to free myself of my internal issues.

Entering high school I began to convince myself that if I forced myself to get out of bed every day, and pushed myself in school, I would be freed of my terrible life and have opportunity in college, in a new city, away from my abuser. Although my father had been cut out of my life, something just as small as going to the grocery store would cause me to shake. What if I saw him there? I couldn't bare to hear another word out of his mouth like 'I'm worthless,' 'a white trash piece of shit,' 'no one liked me.' I'm already my worst enemy. With my depression I have beaten myself down.. With so little worth, why live? My father only further promoted my suicidal thoughts. Sensibly I continued to push forward with promise of a better future.

I fell in love for the first time my sophomore year of high school. This damaged individual was abandoned by his biological father at 6, by his stepfather at 10.. Perhaps our mutual damage brought us together. He was also emotionally abusive. He recently admitted to purposefully tearing me down, stealing my friends, bullying me... He once joked that it would be humorous if I killed myself. I wanted to.

Through all of this time, no one knew. I thought I would be bullied further if I showed weakness. I knew no one would understand. I would force a smile, live my life and push forward. With no medications or therapy. I seemed normal on the outside. No one knew that it took me hours just to get myself out of bed, no one saw me crying in the bathrooms at lunch, or in my room when I got home, no one saw my marks from cutting as I kept the markings restricted to my hips. Just breathing took all of my strength. And for what? I believed God was pushing me through the bad for a brighter tomorrow.

I had finally escaped to college in a city hours from home. I graduated summa cum laude, transitioned into my ideal entry level job and moved into a beautiful place outside Boston. My dreams came true, my abusers were far away, but the pain remains. I've tried drugs but the make me too drowsy to work, I've tried to talk to friends and doctors both of which have proved to be unhelpful.

Finally, after over a decade, I'm looking into seeking help from a therapist, researching local studies on depression, trying to find any hobby that can fix me. I am very damaged from my past. I still can't find my worth. Every day I cry because the pain from my depression is so overwhelming. I want relief.. And I'm trying one last attempt to find an option better than suicide. I want to wake up one day preferring the idea of life over death. I want to want to live. Any advice on how to help? I'm open to anything.


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